Eleven pals and 84 million team coaches

There are two types of people in Germany during these World Cup weeks. Some people know every match venue, every team manager and every player’s strengths, weaknesses and injury history. If for example you were to ask them, just for fun, what the weather was like on the third match day of the 1974 World Cup, they’d reply: “Slightly overcast, but having Günter Netzer replace Wolfgang Overath in the 69th minute was an interesting tactic.”

Such walking football encyclopedias and voluntary team coaches will be happy to explain the offside rule to you - in a matter of hours - and will also - in a matter of seconds - take out a loan to pay for a World Cup ticket that costs much the same as a small car. With them at all times is the Panini sticker album. Any missing stickers will be “acquired strategically”. In the office, you’ll find them whispering things to you like: “I’ve got hold of Ecuador’s right-back now, who can you give me in exchange?”

The occasional fan 

Then there are the others. Their knowledge of football is roughly on a par with the VAR’s empathy. For the most part, however, they are canny enough not to admit it. They go to public match screenings to enjoy the drinking, celebrating and group dynamics there. Things get rather confused after the half-time break, as they start asking: “Why are they suddenly all running in the wrong direction now?”

An occasional fan who knows his or her stuff will have three stock phrases: “He should have passed the ball sooner”, “They’ve got no strategy whatsoever” and “You need to take a different approach with a team like that”. One of these will fit every time - whether Germany happens to be ahead or behind, or the goalie is just giving an interview.

The bitter irony, however, is that it is precisely these clueless charlies who end up winning the office sweepstake every time. While Manuela argues that the xG stats, pressing distance and left-back’s track record point to a “very likely” 0:1, Peter predicts a score of 4:1 because “their jerseys look nicer” – and turns out to be spot on.

Messi plays in the kids league 

Naturally, the spirit of the World Cup is also in evidence on local pitches. You’ll find parents there who will be championing their five-year-olds as “the next Messi” even though they still get their football boots muddled up. Dads scream “Spread out!” from the sidelines while little Archie takes a closer look at the daisies on the pitch. And it’s not unusual for all this passion to culminate in scuffles and red cards - for the parents. The things we do for the beautiful game!